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out in vegas in the booth with diplo at xs [special report]

I made deep eye contact with both David Copperfield and Diplo, 10/10 perfect night

Last week I brought you my typical night out. This week, it’s our first PERFECT NIGHT OUT!!!!! Unfortunately, it wasn’t in NYC so in some ways I’m cheating…but isn’t that exactly what Vegas is for?

Vegas is my favorite place in the entire world. I love spectacle, I love kitsch, I love day-clubbing, I love night-clubbing, I love themes, I love magicians. I want to elope in Vegas on a joint bachelor/bachelorette party at this chapel (in case any reply guys reading this are taking notes). It’s Disney for troubled adults & theater kids. Luckily I’m both. When I’m in Vegas, I’m at my most powerful. It’s like when you charge a Tesla. Or Popeye eats spinach. Or the witches in Hocus Pocus sacrifice a virgin.

When I’m in Vegas, I can do anything, and by anything, I mean shake ass in the DJ booth with Diplo. And baby, you can too if you just believe in yourself,1 and I’m sharing my strategy with paid subscribers.2

THE STATS

  • Day of the Week: Friday

  • Neighborhood: The Las Vegas Strip *special report*

  • The Crew: Girls only! My college friend and sparkle of a girl, my brand new close friend due to this trip, Molly, and iconic new mom…literally breast pumped before coming to the club, Lucindy.

  • The Fit: My go-to black mini-dress with a deep boob cut-out from Meshki. The vibe was MTV’s Jersey Shore.

  • Home By: I blacked out of course, and I don’t know what time we got back!!!! 4am?!

THE PREGAME: David Copperfield & The Piano Bar at The Wynn

My night began as all perfect nights do, alone at the MGM, a cursed hotel, at David Copperfield’s long-running magic show. Don’t worry, I saw Criss Angel (for the second time) on the Wednesday prior. I want to kiss Criss Angel (manifesting!). He’s my one and only celebrity crush. He’s the mindfreak and the bodyfreak. But David, I respect.

I bought the cheapest tickets and was upgraded to the front…and the ushers were very systematic about it so I think that happens every show. First Vegas hack, you’re welcome. I had a frozen margarita ($18) and made a lot of meaningful eye contact with Mr. Copperfield as he made a man disappear directly in front of me. And then he made a lot of BIG stuff appear, which is kinda his thing. There is also a long section with a like off-brand-Baby-Yoda-ass-looking alien puppet that’s all about how he misses his dead dad (?). He has daddy issues, but we knew that! 10/10 pregame!

Then Molly picked me up and drove me to the Wynn to have a tequila shot and a glass of prosecco ($0 thank you, Molly!) at the sultry little piano bar in the casino while we waited for the other girls to meet us for Diplo at 1am. We met a nice sugar baby who moved to Vegas for a very old man in Real Estate (proud of her). AND THEN WE WENT UP TO DIPLO’S SUITE! TO WALK INTO THE CLUB WITH DIPLO!

THE GAME: Diplo at XS

In general, every club in Vegas has free entry and sometimes even 1-2 hours of free open bar if you believe in yourself.3 And the way to skip the lines is to go to one of the nicer hotels, like the Cosmopolitan, dressed hot, during the day. Without fail, a small man will approach you, and usually I would say don’t make eye contact, but in this case, definitely do. He’s a promoter, and you can trust him. He’ll ask for your number, and this time, only this time, you give it to him. And he’ll text you where he can get you on the list and who will be DJing that night. You can repeat this process at all of the major hotel lines (Cosmo is MGM, Caesars, and The Wynn) for more access.

I’ve successfully used this method to bypass the line to see DJ Pauly D, Cash Cash, and the Chainsmokers…and then get in the booth with each of them. To do that, it takes a certain kind of perseverance, drive, and belief in yourself4 while wearing something reaaaaaaallly slutty. The game plan is to essentially hop from table of men who bought bottle service to table until you get closer to the booth. It takes practice…and a certain amount of charm + delusion that I’m full of [which is probably why my tummy always hurts]. It’s a high stakes leap frog. I wish you luck.

Now, Diplo has a residency at XS Nightclub in the Wynn. He performs every weekend. I’m pretty sure he’s on a plane every single day. He’s built different. In this case, my group knew someone in his entourage so we were able to meet him directly in Diplo’s suite.

Aesthetic: 10/10

The Wynn is one of the prettiest hotels on the strip, and XS is massive. The outdoor space is where all the Bachelor parties with table service are [Earth], the indoor space is cramped with girls in little dresses [Hell], and the booth is above them in between the two sections [Heaven].

And the best part is I was dancing near the crew that makes the smog happen when the beat drops. AND THEY LET ME PRESS THE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!! I made the fucking smog go off like a god [kinda off beat, and they did not let me do it again]. But it was awesome. AWESOME!!!!!

Heaven

Wait Time: 10/10

We got to Diplo’s hotel suite around 1am. It was full of men in the entourage uniform - haircuts with shaved sides [the vibe is sexy Nazi], black t-shirt, and silver chain, and hot girls who either a) are very tan Vegas natives & practicing nurses who are always in the DJ’s suite every weekend regardless of who it is b) tall blonde Eastern European women with Instagram face that were there to fuck Diplo. Also, a bunch of Diplo-branded crop tops that we were gifted.

My friends and I posted up by the alcohol…work smarter, not harder. I had a vodka orange juice ($0) and a prosecco ($0) while we waited for Diplo to be ready. Did I talk to him? Yes, I was blocking the mini fridge, and he said “excuse me” to me to get a gatorade. We made eye contact. I felt nothing.

Then he was ready to go so we all rushed to fit into the elevator with him, then walked with him through the Wynn casino to go through expedited security and filter straight into the booth. I watched two of the Eastern European women fight tooth & nail … veneer & acrylic… to not be left behind in the rush. In a way, it was like getting on the life boats in Titanic. Women and children (sexy baby girls) first.

Husband Material: 0/10

I spent the entire night in the booth with approximately 25 gorgeous women and approx 5 guys in Diplo’s crew, and Diplo. And I don’t want to marry Diplo. He seems tired. I want to tuck Diplo into bed and let him sleep for once in his life.

Yummy-ness: 2/10

I drank no fewer than 100 vodka orange juices ($0) and 30 tequila shots ($0) from the bottle service girl in the booth. They tasted bad until I couldn’t taste them anymore.

Shaking Ass Factor: 10/10

I remember at one point in the night, Diplo played a remix of Billie Eilish’s “Lunch,” and I screamed “BILLIE COULD NEVER HAVE IMAGINED THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO HER SONG!!!!!!!!!!” Of course, Billie knew that Diplo and guys like Diplo would make LITERAL MAGIC out of her music. But to me, just a mere mortal, a girl, my mind was blown and my ass was shook.

I shook so much ass.

Special Girls Room Report: 0/10

The bouncer in front of the booth told me if I left to pee, he could not promise that he would let me back in. I took that as a threat and a warning, and I held it in.

Final Bar Tab: $18

$18 for my pre-game frozen margarita. $0 for the rest of the night (hehe).

WAS MY HANGOVER WORTH IT?: 10/10 YES-OFFUCKING-COURSE

This is high of highs. The impossible dream. What every night out aspires to be. I felt like garbage the next morning, but who the fuck cares!? I woke up at 11am, chugged a Zen water, made a video for social media [this], then napped until I went on a literal plane. In that way, I was a lot like Diplo.

Where should I go next!? Leave a comment, email me, or send me a DM, and I’ll bring my investigative journalism to any spot you suggest. I’ll wait in lines, try the cocktails, and see if you can actually meet a husband at the bars the girls on TikTok say are just CHOCK FULL OF HOT SINGLE STRAIGHT MEN!! (yet to be seen!).

And if you have any suggestions or if you want to put me in touch with Criss Angel so that we can kiss, please get in touch! I’d love to hear what you think.

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Come see me perform live! I’ll be in LA next week, show dates here.

1

*are a girl.

2

This is not legally binding, and it will not uphold in a court of law so I’m sorry if this does not work for you, but you can’t sue me xo

3

*are a girl.

4

*being a girl.