out in edinburgh at the fringe [special report]

I’m almost two weeks into what is becoming my annual pilgrimage to Edinburgh, Scotland for the Fringe Festival, and we’re at the point in my trip where everyone is collectively losing their minds. Sorry that this letter is late, but my body doesn’t know where I am or what time it is any more.

You would think that gloomy, rainy, moody Scotland, a place where the cobblestone streets take out any girl who dares to wear a heeled platform boot and the buildings scream “THEY HAD THE PLAGUE HERE,” wouldn’t be drunken and horny. But you’d be dead wrong. Deader than the black plague wrong.

For one month, the city’s population doubles in size with the horniest people on planet earth - theater kids, comedians, magicians, and, horniest of all, clowns. The daily schedule is sleep until 1pm, showcase your art, develop 10 new crushes on other artists after seeing their shows, then drink all night. It’s grueling and impossible to maintain this many crushes.

THE STATS

• Day of the Week: Sunday

• Neighborhood: Edinburgh, Scotland [special report]

• The Crew: All of my American comedy friends that I have convinced to come abroad, Savannah, Zack, Glennis, Rylan, Stef, & Gabby and my girl, Makie.

• The Fit: Black sheer shirt from She*n, vintage Urban Outfitters plaid skirt, and heeled platform boots (that have given me so many bruises from all of the SOBER tumbles I’ve taken). The vibe is Gossip Girl when Serena would take liberties with her school uniform… and somehow never have a demerit?

• Home by 4:00am

THE PREGAME: Monkey Barrel Bar

After performing my show, Wet Hot American Stand Ups at old school comedy club, The Stand, and seeing Cat Cohen’s fab new hour, Come for Me, at Pleasance, we went to Monkey Barrel Bar for a delicious espresso martini on draft (£7) that they put in a large plastic cup for me. They got the vibe that I’m a perpetual spiller with a coup, a very sexy glass that unfortunately becomes completely unsexy the minute I turn it into the splash zone.

Monkey Barrel is the alternative comedy club in Edinburgh, and they program all the best young acts. I’m manifesting breaking in with them someday (maybe next year!). In the meantime, their underground bar is one of my favorite places to hang out. Think Union Hall, but the bar is in the basement, the walls are stone, and people had the bubonic plague.

I’m always bound to run into a crush, mostly because I have a crush on every talented stand up I meet, also famously on magicians, and, unfortunately, on clowns too. I need to go places where I will meet an evil tech lord with money. Help!

THE GAME: Late Night Comedy Rave at Monkey Barrel + After-Party at Assembly Bar