out at first date spots [a round-up, spring edition, part 2]

here is a round-up of the other four spots I went on first dates between march-may

I couldn’t possibly make you wait a week for Part 2 so here is a surprise Thursday letter. Because I like you, you’re hearing from me within two business days. Boys I’m texting, please take notes!

If you missed it, my regularly scheduled Tuesday letter was Part 1 of the first date spots I went on in early Spring. You can catch up here:

out at first date spots [a round-up, spring edition]

As a reminder, out of the eight first dates I went on between March-May, only one led to a second date. And baby, it’s described below. This time, all 4 of the bars were suggested by the guy, and 3/4 are Hinge matches (sponsor me!).

Again, no video because that would be pyscho. Waaaay worse than writing little funny recaps and sending them to 10,000+ strangers, comedians who used to go to my open mic so I data mined their email addresses (love you guys), and at least one ex-boyfriend’s mom (Hi, Sara!). Let’s go.

Walter’s with The Hot Audience Member (HAM)

• Day of the Week: Monday

• Neighborhood: Fort Greene

I do a ton of crowd work (aka flirting) at my monthly show at the Arlo Williamsburg, Love, Sex, & Magic. It’s fun and happening tonight! You should come. And while talking to the audience, I kept making eye contact with the Hot Audience Member (HAM) in the second row. So I did my literal *job* and found out he was single (✓) and hot (✓). Yeah, I ask the tough questions - I’m comedy’s Barbara Walters. So he of course, asked for my number.

I like being asked out after shows because it takes some of the pressure off. He’s already seen me do stand up and wants to go out with me so I know he likes my sense of humor. It eliminates the stress of the guy I’m dating potentially getting the ick once he sees me onstage for the first time making jokes about The Big 3: cumming, my pussy, and of course, 9/11.

I have a stand up clip on my Hinge profile which is something my comedy girlfriends and I have debated. I just want my future husband to know NOW that I’m serious about comedy. It’s not a hobby. For the same reason, it’s important that men who are trying stand up include a photo of them performing at The Comedy Cellar as part of a class on their profiles so I can make sure to X them the fuck away from me. All love, good luck, there aren’t enough straight men in this field xo. Sure, maybe my clip scares some guys away, but I don’t want to date those, I’ll say it for the second time, pussies.¹

I pregamed the date by meeting my friend, the very funny & delightful poet/comedian, Brooke at the speakeasy behind Walter’s, Karasu. Karasu is a beyond delicious and elegant Japanese restaurant and cocktail bar. It gets a 10/10 for ambiance and yummy-ness and, out of all of the dates I’m describing here, my date with Brooke was by far the best one!! Love that girl. God, I’ve tried so hard to be gay. It’s so embarrassing to live in Brooklyn and not even be bi.

Walter’s is great. I have nothing against Walter’s. The food is decadent (I love the steak frites and the pasta), and the vibe is very warm and loving. It’s the perfect place to have a long catch-up dinner with a friend you haven’t seen in a month. HOWEVER, the vibe is off for a date if you don’t want to stay for dinner and once the HAM and I got to talking, it became clear we didn’t have that much in common except he is single (✓) and hot (✓).

That’s the problem with dating someone from the audience… they get to watch you be funny and interesting for an hour…without having to say a single word. I had an Aperol Spritz ($0). He walked me to the train. We kissed. He never followed up about a second date… My life is a movie!²

Walter’s is a 4/10 for a first date, but would rank much much higher for a second date.

Sauced with The Consultant

• Day of the Week: Wednesday

• Neighborhood: Williamsburg

If you remember, I was just at Sauced, and only a few weeks later, I’m back yet again, asking another guy how many siblings he has, while touching knees with another couple asking each other how many siblings they have, while they’re ass to ass with another couple asking eachotherhowmanysiblingstheyhave etc… etc…

This time, The Consultant and I met up on a Wednesday, and Sauced is SO much better on a Wednesday. We sat at a little counter in the front, next to each other, which is sexy. No sitting across on dates, I want to be sitting RIGHT next to you. He’s an older brother (since I know we’re all wondering) which is the hottest sibling combo. Actually this is the scientific ranking of sibling combos from hottest - to least hot:

1. Older Brother to Younger Sister(s)

2. Older Brother to Younger Brother(s)

3. Younger Brother to Older Sister(s)

4. Middle with Sister(s)

5. Middle with no Sister(s)

6. Younger Brother to Older Brother(s)

7. Only child… freaks of nature

I started with water because I drank too much on an empty stomach at an open mic at Fiction Bar right before (oops) so on my way to the date, I snarfed down an empanada from a truck, kept a second one in my tiny purse for later, and rushed into the Williamsburg Whole Foods to pee. Yeeaaaaaah, I was 20 minutes late.

I then had two glasses of a yummy natural rosé ($0), and it was very flirty and hot! Finally! Sure, I was a little buzzed (sauced is in the name), but the first date energy on a Wednesday was electric so when he leaned over and said I was giving him “kiss me” eyes…