out at first date spots [a round-up, spring edition]

here is a round-up of four spots I went on first dates between march-may

I’m on the dating apps, for real, maybe you’ve seen me. Hi! It’s actually me. I’m earnestly trying to meet someone. It’s not going great. I thought it would be fun cathartic to rate the spots that I’ve been on first dates. Out of the eight first dates I went on between March-May, only one led to a second date. The first four are described below in, uh oh, Part 1.

Please note that 3/4 bars were suggested by the guy, and they’re all Hinge matches (sponsor me!). There is no video because I’m not psycho enough to vlog a date…just enough to write beautiful personal essays with commentary to send to my 10k+ newsletter subscribers. Maaaaaaaybe that’s why I’m single.

Albert’s Bar with The Russian

• Day of the Week: Thursday

• Neighborhood: Midtown East

I don’t dream of Midtown East, but this date was with The Russian, a fancy lawyer who works near Grand Central. He represents some big-time evil white men (I forget who he name dropped - Bernie Madoff? Michael Cohen? Andy Cohen? Jk - I love Andy. He’s good evil). He told me he aspires to be an actor which is THE WRONG ORDER. Everyone knows you’re an “actor” for 3-5 years THEN you go to law school. I rest my case. Anyway, his accent was absolutely indescribable, beyond words, and I always have words. He needs to put a voice note on his Hinge profile yesterday… and, actually, I take it back, he should go into voice acting.

Oh right… the bar. Albert’s was WAY too crowded with other hot guys in business (HGIB’s) so I need to go back to scope them out when I’m not on a date. Making a note, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, to go out one of these days in Midtown?!

We ended up in a random pub down the street, forget the name, and he downed four beers in the time it took me to finish one glass of rosé ($0). He was really nice and paid for my Uber home even after I was like… I don’t think it’s going to be us. Hope he’s well and pursing his dreams!

Albert’s gets a 0/10. Shitty first date spot. Maybe a great spot to pick up a different actor-turned-lawyer.

Super Power with the Skier

• Day of the Week: Tuesday

• Neighborhood: Crown Heights

Super Power is my go-to neighborhood first date bar. I’ve taken all my best and worst exes there (aww). It’s Tiki-themed with yummy cocktails in fun glassware with umbrella straws, an adorable backyard, and insane pulled pork nachos which make me have to CRAP which is a miracle for hot girls with IBS-C (HGIB-C’s).