in at spa88
Just because it's Dry January doesn’t mean you can’t get wet
I can’t believe I’m saying this but when this hits your inbox, I’ll be in Bangkok, Thailand! I’m there until February. If you’re in Bangkok too (wild!), you can see me perform. Show dates updated on this post here.
If you’re not in Bangkok (sad!), see my hour of stand up, Powerpoints, and crowd work (flirting) at Union Hall on Saturday, March 22 at 7:30pm. Tickets here.
Look, this week it was really cold, so instead of shots, I did soup and sauna with my pals.
Day of the Week: Saturday
Neighborhood: FiDi
The Crew: Some of 2017 UCB’s finest improvisers — John, Yoni, Glennis, Ben, Paul, and Sarah.
The Fit: Floral bikini from Forever 21, flip flops from Glennis’s car, and towels from the Russian towel guy. The vibe was Spring Break 2013.
Home by 8pm
THE GAME: Spa88 in the Financial District
In the winter sometimes I’m simply not motivated to put on a slutty little outfit and go dancing. My Uggs are glued to my feet, and they look stupid with a mini skirt and tights. Where am I going to stash my jacket…or my scarf and my beanie, not to mention the layers I’m wearing over my crop top? And how am I gonna put that back on… to then take it all back off, especially in front of guy!? No one looks hot stripping out of the second layer of skin-colored fleece-lined tights they bought because of TikTok1 (RIP) (jk it’s back from the dead). It’s a disaster. January is a buzzkill, not just because everyone stopped drinking…
And on the topic of Dry January, why are we dry in January? We’re cold and depressed. There is nothing to do — the only form of entertainment…is drinking. And alcohol famously makes you feel warm! When it’s dark at 5pm, how the fuck am I going to stay up past midnight without tequila?! Drugs!? No liquids does not justify powders!
Besides, we’re in a LONELINESS EPIDEMIC. Do you know what people don’t want to do? Meet up with their friends after braving the tundra to spend $20 on JUICE. Mocktails are for…the summer. It should be Dry June. No wonder 100% of people who do Dry January fail by January 15. The average Dry January starts and ends almost as fast as the TikTok Ban. Prove me wrong, and I’ll buy you a drink… a $25 PINEAPPLE JUICE.
I texted my old friends Yoni and John this interview with Harris Dickinson at a bathhouse on the Lower East Side. Yoni likes bathhouses and John likes Harris Dickinson. I like both. This inspired a trip to the bathhouse at Spa88 in FiDi, not the one Harris frequented when he was filming Babygirl, but where Yoni is by all accounts the Mayor and one time John saw Julia Fox come out of the VIP room. She’s everywhere, she’s so Julia.
If you’re wondering, she was wearing a bathrobe, and there was nothing weird about it. Her make-up wasn’t like Black Swan, and she didn’t have on thigh high platform PVC flip flops. Even she takes a day off sometimes. But let this be a lesson. Next time you go to a spa, yes, you’re there to relax, but you never know if it’s Harris Dickinson or Julia Fox hiding under a banya hat so stay vigilant.
Spa88 is a basement oasis hidden under scaffolding in the heart of the financial. It’s not quite as old school as the Russian bathhouses on Coney Island or The Wall Street Russian/Turkish baths, but it’s similarly no frills. It’s not sexy and chic like Bathhouse, it feels more like a hospital, that’s vaguely damp.
This is where you go to “shvitz everything horrible from your week” out in the wood paneling and leave it behind as sweat on the tiles. Yes, there was a weird poo odor wafting near the towel guy…but that’s to be expected - it’s the smell of the demons leaving your body. (Aesthetic: 6/10).
We started in one of the hot saunas where we annoyed the other patrons by talking about new UCB. I agree, improv is annoying, but we had to get the bad stuff out of our system. That was the point. You would think a sauna would be weird for a group hang, but you’d be mistaken. Nothing bonds you closer to your friends then being half naked, sweaty, and every temperature over the course of 30 minutes… it’s like having sex without having sex. Grow up.
We made our way to the steam room, which I can only do for a few minutes. It makes me feel like I’m in an M. Night Shyamalan film, and those usually don’t end well. After 15 minutes, I was already starting to feel the effects — perfect glowy skin on the outside and matching inner glow. It was already well worth the $55 entry fee. I think I would be healed, have the perfect life, if I did 15 minutes of sauna everyday (and didn’t have to work a day job). (Bliss Factor: 10/10)
Next, another sauna, followed by the ice room. I can’t physically do a cold plunge…I’m so little and frail my bones will shatter into a million bits if I do. Yes, my bones are crystal, obviously. But I’m very impressed by the — I say this with love and respect — psychos who do. They’re always like “do it, it’ll fix you.” And the vigor with which they push getting into the ice bath gives MLM energy to me. Though with this group it makes sense — we’re all very susceptible to NYC’s most powerful cult…improv comedy.
As I’m sure you know by now based on my Jersey roots and everything about me, my favorite room is the pool and hot tub, where we gossiped for an hour about “Brooklyn alternative comedy.” It piqued the interest of another group of international friends with fun piercings and piece-meal tattoo sleeves (absolutely commuted from Bushwick).
They were like… “you guys are funny,” and we were like “have you seen us online?” And they were like “it’s possible.” And we were like “oh in 2017 you could have seen some of us perform Harolds at our advanced class show or even on a house team, no big, but you are in the pool with legends.”
Overall, on a Saturday night, the majority of the clientele was hot groups of friends participating in a group-shvitz. If I had felt cheekier, I could have sent someone a borscht as an opener…come to think of it, why did no one do that to me? It would have worked. (Husband Material: 6/10).
And the food, it’s the best part. I ordered latkes ($7) and dumplings ($10) and a Corona ($10), a bathhouse feast, and scarfed it down in a towel. Is there anything better than eating in a towel? Bliss.
The only thing ruining my perfect mood… I was jealous of my friends’ soup. I should have fucking ordered soup. In this life, we have regrets. Not starting my comedy career in Chicago, hooking up with a gay guy in college, not ordering soup. (Yummy-ness: 10/10).
Yoni, who owns a “Boss” banya hat so you know he’s serious, hosts his birthday party annually in the Julia Fox VIP room. $300 for two hours with a *DJ* (an aux cord that works half the time) and a private hot tub (that gets pretty cold by the end). That sounds like heaven. And I will be copying him in the future. He’s a genius. And I’m an stupid bitch that should have ordered soup.
If it has to be cold, depressing, dry ass January, you might as well get a little wet.
Where should I go next!? Leave a comment, email me, or send me a DM, and I’ll wait in lines, try the cocktails, and sweat it out for you!
This is maybe controversial because I have 97k followers (brag), but I wanted TikTok to end. I’m pro-Ban.
It dawned on me when I was served a video of the guy in 1/2 of an influencer couple that is only famous for being a hot influencer couple. He was despondent, revealing they broke up, and it’s his fault (front facing, of course, with a physical hook at the beginning, he’s a pro).
A few swipes later, the algorithm showed me a video of the girl, despondent, saying they broke up, it’s his fault, (you guessed it…front facing with a physical hook at the beginning, she’s a pro).
To my knowledge, this couple spends most of their time giving each other hugs from behind in their kitchen, unless they are sitting in their car, just being hot. Do they cook anything in the kitchen? Are they even driving anywhere?
And it became clear that now they are single, they would both be…doing content about trying to date a new hot influencer with no skills. Who even are they if they don’t have anyone to hug from behind in their kitchen?
My brain doesn’t need to hold space for their relationship… it needs to hold space for ART. I used to read books. Take this app away from me. Please.
i wanna have a spa birthday!