out for my birthday in williamsburg and the j.f.k pool-cuzzi
this was the first birthday in a long time that I didn't cry (for bad reasons)
I’m hosting Union Hall’s NYE Show in Brooklyn TONIGHT! Come ring in the New Year with 30+ of NYC’s best comedians presenting their best joke of the 2024. It’s always a blast, and we can party at UH after. You might even make it into the newsletter. Tickets here if we’re not sold out.
And if you’re in LA, don’t miss my hour of stand up, powerpoints, and crowd work (flirting) on Friday, January 10 at Lyric Hyperion. Tickets here.
My birthday usually makes me very emotional. And I’m a girl that “loves” my birthday. I used to do a show where I’d celebrate my birthday every month at Union Hall. That’s very extra birthday girl behavior!! And I do like to celebrate it, I do. I like to make all my friends come together and go out-out for once. But the aging part, the acknowledging how far I’ve come and how far I’ve not come part, is really hard.
For the past couple of years, as I’ve reached my late twenties…30-32…I’ve woken up crying on my birthday. I’ve felt lonely. I’ve felt like “will anyone show up for me, does anyone even care!?” in a way that is fully irrational, but fully birthday.
If there is any day you’re allowed to go batshit, it’s your birthday. It’s your day, baby. Sob in the bar basement! Have a friend break-up! Text an ex! Fuck HIPPA, follow your hot surgeon on Instagram! I’ve done all those things. The last one…this year (oops)! And he followed me back so we’re golden!!!
So for this birthday, 33 (Jesus! in many ways), I decided who the fuck cares if I’m planning the full birthday myself. I’ll pack my own candles in my beaded bag… I’m just going to to do the stuff that I want to do and show up for me. And it was the best best birthday ever.
THE STATS
Day of the Week: Friday, my actual birthday
Neighborhood: Williamsburg, Brooklyn
The Crew: Teeny-tiny crew of my sister Alice, my roomie and bestie, Mākena, and my college bestie Alp and his boyfriend Scott.
The Fit: Red deep v rose top from Sh*n, with a cherry red mini skirt from superdown (avail in black), vintage Urban Outfitters leopard print coat (linked similar), and black sparkly fishnets layered over warmer black tights. The vibe was mafia wife.
Home by 1:30am
THE PREGAME: Errands by myself & a midday movie
I woke up on my birthday at my fuck buddy’s apartment. I know, jump scare. I’ve never mentioned him before! Eep. Surprise, I’m hooking up with a hot guy I met on Feeld (the kinky app). Soft (jk hard…wink) launch. It’s casual…by design. But he’s unbelievably communicative and consistent in a way that no guy ever is….!? I know when I’m seeing him next, usually before I leave his apartment. It’s the kink community - you have to be really clear or they kick you the fuck out.
TMI he can find a G Spot using only his penis. Some guys, can’t find a clitoris, using their … EYES. Anyway, one of these days, I’ll write a full essay about him for an actual publication. He’ll frame it. I’ll frame it.
He was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. He woke me up at midnight, said “it’s your birthday! happy birthday! go back to sleep!” then I went back to sleep as directed (I’m a good girl after all). The second person to wish me happy birthday was my ex. The third, my OBGYN. A really powerful trio of people who have all seen my p*ssy. That’s beautiful.
Of course, the next wave of happy birthdays was from my friends and family. People who will never see my p*ssy. And the last wave, the late night wave, was from people who hope to someday see my p*ssy. And the people I never heard from, well those are my crushes…the guys that I would willingly show my p*ssy…and that’s how the world turns.
I spent the day busy - at meetings for work, a post-op with my hot surgeon (just like my first ever birthday…ass out at the hospital), and seeing Y2K at Alamo in the afternoon (such a surprising, unserious blast of a movie, I recc!).
THE GAME: The Starlight Tavern & Pete’s Candy Store
We had big plans to meet at The Last Call in Williamsburg, but it was closed for a private event so we pulled an audible (sports! look at me) and went to The Starlight Tavern next door instead. It’s a very cozy bar with lush Christmas decor, larger booths in the back for groups, and a hidden Skee-Ball machine (Aesthetic: 8/10).
I ordered the dictionary definition, perfect girl dinner - Caesar salad, fries, and a glass of white wine - and paid for drinks and a quesadilla for Alice (lol). It might be my birthday, but no matter how old I get, I’m always older sister. It was a perfect creamy dressing and soft fry (Yummy-ness: 10/10). The chef got word that it was my birthday and had two cupcakes sent out for me…I don’t think they’re on the menu, and he picked them up from the store for me. Are you kidding? How cute!
I made a wish on the candles I packed in my beaded bag. You have to bring candles on your birthday and make wishes on everything. That’s the rules.
Shockingly, there were A TON of hot straight men. I guess if you go to a no frills bar with Skee-Ball, that’s where you’ll find them. Meet them in their natural habitat. Mak chatted up a table of film guys, including one realllly hot cinematographer who has a 25-year-old girlfriend (fuck!). They all ultimately left to go the strip club. I asked if the girlfriend would be upset, he said no. That’s…why you date a 25-year-old (Husband Material: 10/10, if they break up, he can hit me up, and I’ll marry him xo).
Ultimately, I do need to be dating people who can offer vital services for free. Work smarter, not harder. Cinematographers, graphic designers, directors, and network executives to the front please. No more stand ups.
It’s a sit-down chatting bar, so no dancing, but it turns out my friends are all really good at Skee-Ball!? We won four tickets and exchanged them for a free tequila shot for me. Maybe we should hit up Dave & Buster’s next? (Skee-Ball Ass Factor: 10/10). When they closed out our checks, the bartender maybe missed a bunch of drinks? Maybe on purpose or maybe math is hard. Either way, it did not add up, and we are grateful!!!
We headed to my hometown bar, Pete’s Candy Store, where I hosted an open mic for two years to say hi to my bartender friends for one last nightcap. It was packed on a Friday night. Good for them.
Keeping your actual birthday small, low-key, and completely free of any chance of disappointment, yeaaaah I recommend it. Only took 33 years to figure that out!
THE STATS
Day of the Week: Saturday, the day after my birthday
Neighborhood: JFK, literally the airport
The Crew: Some of NYC’s best comedians in their swimsuits and winter hats
The Fit: Metallic bikini from Misguided, treasured robe stolen from the Margaritaville Hotel, and faux fur hat from Am*zon. The vibe was Putin’s DJ daughter.
Home by 8pm
THE GAME: The Pool-cuzzi at the TWA Hotel
Something about me, I’m obsessed with a pool-cuzzi. Probably because I was raised in New Jersey, and we have big pool and hot tub culture. And our native dance is the fist pump, like the salsa to the Spanish or the “Cha-Cha-Slide” to the Jews.
By far the best pool-cuzzi in all of Manhattan is at the TWA Hotel. It’s $25 per person on ResortPass for a whole day in the 95° water (an absolutely divine temperature, not as hot-hot as a hot tub, closer to when someone pees in the pool…perfect) while watching the planes take off (Aesthetic: 10/10). The only issue…it’s literally at JFK.
Yeaaaaah, it’s kind of a crazy ask to make your friends come out to the airport for you. I wouldn’t even ask a friend to pick me up from the airport for a tragedy like if I last minute canceled my destination wedding or for a funeral or I got bad veneers in Turkey. No honey, I’d be sobbing in an Uber with my janky ass chiclets. So to make them come to the airport, just for fun…no fucking way.
But believe me, it’s so worth it. On the invite, I promised not only was it my birthday, but also the best day of my friends’ lives. And I wasn’t wrong.
TWA in general is a super chic 1960’s themed hotel. The entire building feels like a really luscious Mad Men set. In the winter, the inside pool bar is Après-Ski themed and has mid-spensive winter-themed cocktails that you can bring with you in the water. I was nervous there would be an issue, and my closest friends would be trapped at the airport so I arrived an hour early at 2pm to enjoy a bowl of chili and a glass of Prosecco by myself. Two of my favorite things that do not go together, but it’s my birthday shut up (Yummy-ness: 7/10).
Even though it was a Saturday, the pool was relatively empty - a few families, some flight attendants, a thirteen-year-old’s small, very well-behaved birthday party (I like where her head’s at) (Husband Material: 2/10 but maybe someday there will be a pilot, yum).
It’s truly a perfect activity for December through March before it gets too busy in the Summer and while the temp feels like heaven and not like you’re cooking. TWA call me, I want to be a pool-cuzzi-fluencer.
Since childhood, I’ve been disappointed by people not showing to my birthday party. Maybe the most classic feeling…like Jesus was worried about people showing up to his supper, I’m sure. So this year, I decided I would plan an activity that I wanted to do no matter what. And if people didn’t show, I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s not me, it’s QUEENS.
But at 3pm, I was so pleasantly surprised by how many of Brooklyn’s best comedians showed up on a freezing December day, stripped down to their bathing suits and winter hats, and pool-cuzzied for literally 5 hours! I put a smaller window on the invite so people wouldn’t be late (life hack!), but we stayed all day, drinking Prosecco in a heated pool, cheering for the planes as they took-off. It was so perfect, I could cry…and honey, I did. Multiple times.
And I don’t know where I’m headed next in this next year, but watching those planes with so many treasured friends, it felt like…sky’s the limit.
Where should I go next!? Leave a comment, email me, or send me a DM, and I’ll wait in lines, try the cocktails, and freeze in a bikini in December for you!
And if you have any suggestions of bars and clubs you’d like me to try, please get in touch!
What a great post to end the year! Happy birthday!