night out x guru nandini in williamsburg & the les

a special dual letter from Night Out and Guru Nandini Says

Every single woman in New York has one question on her mind: where are the eligible men? So we (a matchmaker and a comedian, the most unlikely but perfect duo) decided to go on a husband hunting expedition last Thursday across Brooklyn and Manhattan. Don’t worry, no men were harmed in the writing of this substack (just their egos!!)   

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Jenny: Substack introduced me to my new friend I’m obsessed with, Dini who dishes out dating advice in Guru Nandini Says. She’s a matchmaker who has set up 250+ first dates AND 3 marriages. She loves setting people up so much that she started Sitch, NYC’s hottest new dating app, where they use AI and humans to matchmake you. 

Dini: Awww, I love hanging with Internet friends IRL. Jenny is a single (AND HOT AND FUNNY) comedian who writes about her dating life and going out for Cosmo Magazine and her substack Night Out. I am determined to find her a guy who is deserving of her sparkling personality!

We met up in a google doc to discuss our night in Night Out fashion. 

 THE STATS

• Day of the Week: Thursday

• Neighborhood: Williamsburg and Lower East Side 

• The Crew: Jenny, Dini, Alexandra, businesswoman and Dini’s best friend from grad school, and briefly, hot magician Mark Clearview.

• The Fit(s): Jenny wore a matching pink set from Los Angeles Apparel (a skort to do comedy in) with, of course, white cowboy boots from Free People.  Dini wore Zara boots, and a Skims bodysuit that she could barely breathe in. The vibe was horny Dixie Chicks.

• Home by 2am

PREGAME: Love, Sex, & Magic at The Arlo Williamsburg

Jenny: I invited Dini and her friend Alexandra to be my guests at my monthly variety show, Love, Sex & Magic at the Arlo Williamsburg before we went out-out for the night.

Dini: I hate stand up comedy (lol) so this was already going to be a tough start to the night for me. But if nothing else, I am a good friend and I showed up and sat IN THE FRONT row to cheer for my girl(s). 

Jenny: Dini did tell one of the comedians during his set that she was not enjoying it, which is the most brutal heckling I’ve ever seen. 

Dini: He kept trying to make me laugh, which is the worst thing a man can do. My big takeaway is that female comics are actually funny, male comics are just undateable.

Jenny: Luckily, as per usual, I also booked a hot magician, Mark Clearview, and he really turned it around for my girls. It’s better when men try to amaze instead. 

Dini: I was truly shocked that a man was able to read a woman’s mind... but there’s a first time for everything!

Jenny: There was one hot straight man in the audience, a tennis instructor, who it became clear during crowd work had had multiple affairs… which is why you pay for a tennis instructor. 

Dini: I encouraged Alexandra to start an affair with him, but sadly she passed on it, despite us getting a drink with him after. 

Jenny: It was probably because he was commuting back to Connecticut, a huge turn off.

Dini: So off we headed, to the Wild West, in search of a hot man...

THE GAME PART 1: Desert5 Spot

Jenny: Our first stop was Desert5 Spot, a new western themed bar, adjacent to the Arlo. Maybe because it was a Thursday, there was no wait to get in (Wait Time: 10/10). I’ve seen the line go around the block on weekends. 

Dini: It felt like... adult Disneyland? (Aesthetic: 9/10). Sadly the mechanical bull was out of commission, but there was a live band that was fire. We had all dressed to impress, looking very cute and thematic in cowboy boots and mini skirts. Unfortunately, the men had not. 

Jenny: Some were wearing cowboy hats!!! Dini is still in a bad mood from the stand up. I will say that the majority of attendees were in their early 20’s. They seemed too into ethical non-monogamy to be my husband.

Dini: The other 30% of the crowd was 45 year old men and their wives who had paid the babysitter overtime to be there. They were very enthusiastically square dancing (line dancing? Idk I’m not American) and looked happily married. I did not encourage my friend Alexandra to start an affair with any of them, in case you were wondering! (Husband Material: 3/10).

Jenny: I got a very strong and too sweet margarita ($16) and because hot magician Mark knew one of the bartenders (Magicians alwaaaays have an in at the themed bars. If there are costumes, there are magicians lurking), I also got a free shot of tequila ($0). (Yummy-ness: 5/10). 

Dini: I still can’t get over how good the music was. Every SINGLE person was dancing. (Shaking Ass Factor: 9/10). But even if we had found a singular hot eligible man, it would have been impossible to have a conversation with him. 

Jenny: I want to try going back when the bull is back in action. I fantasize about being really good at it and meeting a guy that way… or being really bad at it (more likely), hurting myself, and…meeting a guy that way when he gives me a piggyback ride the rest of the night. Save a horse, etc… 

Dini: I don’t think that will get you any closer to finding a husband given the clientele lol!!! But it will make a good story. I would come back tho, with an even bigger group of girls and have a fun boy-free night! 

THE GAME PART 2: On the streets

Dini: I firmly believe you can meet a man anywhere. And this proved to be true when a hot Swiss guy, a hot South African and a mid looking friend jumped into the middle of our tiktok filming. 

Jenny: They “flirted” with us by asking us to play “rock, paper, scissors…” to choose what bar we should all go to next.

Dini: I think you meant C*** C*** C*** 

Jenny: Dini, I can’t repeat it!!!

Dini: …a very racial slur for rock paper scissors. that the South African used, and told us afterwards that he “couldn’t be racist since he was South African”. This man clearly needs to watch Invictus again (which is my fav airplane movie!) 

Jenny: Dini won, naturally, so Bar Blondeau at the Wythe was the choice. Sadly it was full, and we couldn’t think of another spot that we all agreed on, and more importantly, despite being international and hot, they were… so boring. What the fuck. I want dual citizenship!!! 

Dini: As someone who is both international and hot, I was embarrassed for my species!!! What is the point of speaking French to Alexandra if you have nothing interesting to say!? The only solution was to flee to the Lower East Side, and hope that we would find better luck in civilization (Manhattan).  

Jenny: Brooklyn slander. 

THE GAME PART 3: Le Dive

Dini: I am a self proclaimed LES rat. And I love nothing more than hanging out with all my former Georgetown classmates in the basement of Le Dive. I was convinced I would find Jenny the international man of her dreams at this spot.

Jenny: At this point, I reaaaaaallly had to pee so most of my time was spent waiting in line for the single stall bathroom (Special Girl’s Room Report: 2/10). When I got out, I literally thought Dini and Alexandra had left because it was a full calendar year later. (I know they’d never abandon me for real, they’d made it through a whole comedy show… torture for them),

Dini: While you were gone, we did manage to get a guy kicked out for hitting on me by tugging on my arm, imploring me to let him buy me a drink. (Actually, he got kicked out for drinking other people’s drinks.) Also, he was 21 at best. 

Jenny: What I’m shocked by is that you raved about Le Dive… and the vibe is cute, it has an intimate talking area upstairs, and a smoky dungeon dance floor downstairs. And the whole thing is French! Chic! (Aesthetic: 8/10). What do you think happened? 

Dini: The crowd has never been a miss - you can usually expect to find rich hot European/Latin finance guys who are cosplaying as DJs and you never have to buy a drink (because they will do it for you!) BUT on Thursday there were only 21 year olds from NYU and Parsons AND concerningly a group of middle aged men?? (Husband Material: -1/10).

These looked like the type of men who would be super down to have an affair with Alexandra, Jenny or practically any living woman. I VEHEMENTLY DID NOT ENCOURAGE THIS BEHAVIOUR.  

Jenny: I feel really flattered by that, thank you. 

Dini: I am the moral compass of the trio after all teehehhehe. 

Jenny: I like how Dini spells “behaviour” … very international, very interesting. 

THE GAME PART 4: Time Again

Jenny: We had to try one last time to find a 30-something in this town!!!!!!! We hadn’t seen a single one. It’s like how you never see a baby pigeon.

Dini: I also hate animals, in addition to standup comedy. This summer, I have been obsessed with Time Again as the most vibey - and illegal - place in the city. They literally got 3 citations for taking over a empty parking lot with plastic stools, and filling it with Nolita Dirtbags and LES Art girlies smoking cigarettes. 

Jenny: It’s literally a parking lot. Only New York would be like NYC’s hottest club is the parking lot, we don’t have any more real estate. NYC’s hottest club is the back of this bodega…. NYC’s hottest club is the platform below the Myrtle Wyckoff Subway.

Dini: Sadly it is another casualty of Eric Adams. Time Again now has been reduced to 1/4th its former size and only has a few tables on the sidewalk. I might run for mayor of NYC with a platform to bring Time Again back to it’s former glory! (Aesthetic: formerly 10/10, currently 2/10).

Jenny: RIP Eric Adams. The only husband material we’ve mentioned so far. What was so insane is that the inside of the bar was FULL OF SMOKE LIKE IT WAS LITERALLY ON FIRE. 

Dini: I almost died. 

Jenny: That’s a good friend. Risked her life to find me a match!!! 

Dini: We did get approached by a man though who seemed to be in his thirties, and was gainfully employed as a photographer. (The bar is in hell.)

Jenny: He was very LA in a way that you know he’s hiding a crystal in his very tight pockets and under his vest. He did ask Dini out while we were in the middle of the conversation, and she was literally coughing, in hives, not gonna make it. Sir, this is not the time. 

Dini: Also, I have a husband!! And for those wondering: I am not looking to have an affair unless you are Daniel Radcliffe. (In case he reads this, I LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY).

Jenny: If Dini wanted to have an affair, she’d hire a tennis coach. Which brings up a good point, where was your husband? I still need to meet him. 

Dini: ... he was fast asleep. Which is what I think all the eligible men in the city were doing on Thursday night.. Or they were working hard to close out their Q3 financial reports!

Jenny: Do you think we’d have better luck on another night at these same spots or do we just need to wait until Q4?

Dini: Honestly, I just don’t think that the guy you are looking for is at a random bar looking to pick up girls. You don’t want a guy who is trying to be a DJ, curating an aesthetic instagram feed - that was fine for your early 20s, but that is not the father of your children. Your guy is out for dinner with his friends, he is at Casa Cipriani or Zero Bond where he doesn’t have to deal with bouncers, or he is at the gym, working on himself. My current working theory is that the clubs are for the girls and for the gays! 

Jenny: …ok sounds like it’s a fancy dinner date next… because I will not be going to the gym xo

Dini: ....or you can get early access to Sitch (use the code NIGHTOUT hehe :) 

Jenny: We love to end on a shameless plug. 

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